iwish for you
by forever0511
Summary: Sam doesn't know what to think of her life, she hates it all. She doesn't know if wishing will make the pain go away, or if it will make freddie like her. She knows she doesn't believe. Updated:originally use to be iwish on you. this is the newest one.R
1. Chapter 1

Dear Diary, February 14th, 2009

If I could look outside and see the world differently, then that is all that really matters. I don't care if Freddie would ever like me. I know deep down that he can't. I still look up at the stars and wish on a particular one every night. That can't make him like me. Wishing and believing are two different things. Some say, you can wish on a star, but if you don't believe in your wish or yourself; then it will never come true. I wonder if he sits alone and thinks about me. I wonder if we wishes on the particular star that I choose to wish on. I wonder if he believes in himself, because I sure as heck don't. I wish Freddie could love me for me. I don't want to become someone I'm not, just so I can have the boy of my dreams. I don't want to loose myself, when I just found myself.

Dear Journal, February 15th, 2009

I don't exactly miss not having a date for Valentines Day. It really didn't bother me. Me, Carly, and Freddie just did an iCarly show, hung out and then went our separate ways. Something has changed though. I wished on a star, a different one, and all of a sudden; I started to believe. I started to believe that Freddie could like me for me, that my dad would come back, that my mom could stop drinking, and that I could fly. I mean the last one; yeah I don't think it will ever come true. Considering that humans can't fly. If they could, wouldn't that be great. Anyhow, I wished for all my dreams to come true. I believed in something for the first time in my life. I felt powerful. I felt like I can do anything. All of a sudden I heard my phone make a noise. It was a text from Freddie. The text read, "Sam, do you believe?" I never answered that text ever. I didn't know what to say. Did I really believe? Or was everything that I said a big fat lie? I believed in one thing for sure. I believed that I deserved better. Everything in my life, everything just falls through the cracks. Like none of this stuff was ever mine, it was just given to me and then taken away. I don't want Freddie to be taken away. If I don't believe that it will ever work, then it probably won't. I just can't face myself to it, not yet at least.

Dear Diary,

I stopped writing dates down. I don't want to remember anything of this. I want to escape. I want to leave this all behind and never come back to any of it. I want Freddie to run away with me. I want to live with Carly. I want so much, but all I do is take and take. I never give, how do expect anyone to give to me. I don't deserve Freddie. I don't deserve anyone. I don't expect them to love me or for them to hold me in their arms. I don't need any of it. I've never had it ever in my life, why want it now? It is worthless. I remember I was about seven, of course my mom comes home late again and drunk. The only thing I ever believed in was she sat me down and _"Sam, listen this might not mean anything now but it will later; love doesn't last forever, don't expect it to."_ It doesn't. It can't. If it could, then wow, wouldn't that be a miracle? I forgot to mention, by the way I got another text from no other than Freddie. This time it read, _"Sam we need to_ _talk."_ I quickly shut my phone. No Freddie, we don't need to talk. I never talk to anyone and I'm fine. But really I'm not fine. I am so screwed up in the head. I think what my mother does and how she acts, I think it is normal. I know it is not though. I look at Carly's family. That right there, that's normal. I think I should text Freddie and say _"Freddie, do you believe in wishing on stars?"_

Dear Diary,

Freddie texted me. His text read _"Yes, I do. Do you?_ I didn't respond. I don't know if I believed in them. I didn't even know if I loved myself. I thought about one thing though; would Freddie ever feel the same way? He couldn't though. I mean look at him. He comes from a normal little family, with a normal friend, (Carly), gets good grades, loves himself for him. He could never like me. He was so...so perfect. Look at me I am so screwed up. I need to stop wishing on these stars. They aren't ever going to come true. Freddie will never love me, he isn't the prince charming I thought he was. He can't lift me off my feet and take me somewhere safe. He wasn't that strong. He had faults like the rest of us. Unlike the rest of us, he could hide them. I couldn't. I can't just wish on someone and expect that star to grant my wish. I'm living in my own world right now, because I know that this kind of stuff only happens in fairy tales. Not in my life.


	2. maybe we aren't so different

Dear Diary,

I saw him. He doesn't think I saw. I most certainly did. I saw the way he looks at her. I saw how he laughs at her jokes even if they aren't funny. I want someone like that in my life. I want to wake up smiling. I want to realize that Freddie is the kind of guy I need in my life. Someone I deserve. As clear as I can see. I don't need him. He doesn't need me. He has Carly. Even though she doesn't love him back, he is currently happy. He will most likely remain that way for a while. If he doesn't then, I will be surprised. I can't make Freddie love me. Even if I wish on all the stars in the sky. He won't ever love me like I love him. Never.

Dear Diary,

I've tried to find my special star in the sky. It isn't there. I can't find it. Most people might assume that I would pick out a star that is dim and lonely, because maybe that is how I feel inside. Maybe it is, but diary...you can't prove anything. Instead I picked the brightest star, because somewhere deep down inside, I know I deserve much better. That I deserve the brightest star in the sky, considering my life is so dark and gloomy. If I was able to switch lives. I would pick Carly's. She has people who love her, she gets good grades, she is kind, strong, and never weak. She is never like me. Maybe I try to hide my weaknesses with the pain I put Freddie through. I really don't know. The thing I hate about Carly is that she has the most amazing guy loving her, and she doesn't even know it. I wish I was Carly. My next wish is that I could be Carly. I don't believe in that wish though, because you must be a really gullible person to believe that you can switch bodies. If you think that, you must be living in a world that you call your own. I don't have a world to call my home. Sometimes I don't think I am home. I think I was dropped off in hell. My house doesn't smell like flowers and fresh baked cookies. It smells like a faint smell of alcohol and cigarettes. My mom isn't the kind of mom who asks me how school is. She is the kind that comes home at midnight with a new boyfriend wrapped around her arm. She is the kind of mom that will throw her boyfriend out after she is sober and realizes what she has done. She is the kind that never says sorry. I guess I learned from the best. That is my weakness, I can never say sorry. No matter how much damage has been caused from my big mouth. Freddie never forgives me. He pretends to, but I know he doesn't. How could he? I expose his biggest secret on a highly viewed web show. No normal person would ever forgive you. Unless Freddie isn't normal. Unless he isn't all I measure him to be. Maybe he has faults, and pains, and lies hidden like the rest of us. Maybe he loves and tries but it is never good enough. Not even for Carly or his mom. Maybe they expect so much out of him, that he wants to break down inside and cry. Maybe he cries alone at night. Maybe we aren't so different after all. Maybe he wants to get away, like how I want to get away. Maybe he wants to leave me behind too...


	3. iwant this to change

Dear Diary,

I don't want Freddie to leave me behind. That would rock my world in more ways then one. How can he look at the world and smile? The world is filled with terrible things, death, sadness, darkness, and mean/terrible people. The kinds of people who just want to break you inside, so they can sit back and laugh, while you are slowly rotting away. It is those kinds of people who I want to escape from. No matter how hard I ever will try though, I can't escape from myself.

Dear Diary,

I found my star tonight. It glowed brightly in the sky. It outshined the whole sky. It made me look at my life, and want more out of it. I wanted to feel the cold air whip across my face. Just to know that I can still feel. I wanted Freddie to shout my name out over darkened cities. Just so I could still hear. I wanted so much, but expected much little. Freddie couldn't like me; the only way he ever could was if he dropped everything. If he left everything behind and started fresh. That is the only way you could ever love me. The only way I could love you all the way, and never want anything more. Is if I could love myself. I can't love myself. It requires too much time and strength. The time and strength that I clearly don't have.

Dear Diary,

Why hasn't he talked to me? It has been so long. Almost a week. I mean I know it is Christmas vacation, but really. Did he just drop of the planet? I sometimes wish I could. So I didn't have to feel the things that weren't meant to be mine. So I could just walk towards the future and never look back. I wanted to drop off the planet and never come back. Do you know what it is like to not have one person love you? Do you know what it feels like? Do you know that it can screw up a person so badly? Did you know that it messed me up?

Dear Diary,

I love him. I want him everyday forever, and I want nothing more. I can't be in denial anymore. There is a slim chance that he could like me back. Then there is an even bigger chance that he probably doesn't. I can't give in to these thoughts anymore. It seems to me that Freddie is the only one making progress in this unfound relationship. I don't put any time or effort into it. If no one does, then how the hell is it suppose to spark? I never thought I'd say this, but starting on Monday; I will give Freddie the time of day. I will give so much, just to replace the time that no one ever gave me. I want to make a difference. I want this all to change. I want to look back and remember that there were times that I smiled. Even if they were over the most ridiculous things. I want him to know that I care.


	4. he knows something i don't

Dear Diary,

I saw him today. He looked so cute. He had his yellow polo shirt on and jeans. I mean, I'm not trying to sound like an obsessive freak. I just couldn't help but notice. Freddie walks by me with a simple nod, and then I see it. He starts looking me up and down. I ask him what? He just tells me oh nothing. Dearest diary, do you think there is a small chance that maybe just maybe wishing on stars works? Do you believe in miracles?

Dear Diary,

I got on to aim today. Something I rarely do. Guess who was on. Just guess. Give up yet? It was Freddie. Do you want to hear our convo, because if you don't, I understand but I am still going to tell you anyways. Here it goes....

SamtheHam: Hey freddork. Why haven't you been around Carly's lately? Have you been with your mommy?

TechieFreddie: Fyi no Sam, I haven't. I've been last minute Christmas shopping.

SamtheHam: Ooh, for whom?

TechieFreddie: I don't think it's any of ur business.

SamtheHam: Tell me...

TechieFreddie: No I can't.

SamtheHam: why?

TechieFreddie: because then...I'd have to kill ya.

SamtheHam: Fine don't tell me. But mark my words Benson, I will never tell you anything ever again.

TechieFreddie: Okay Sam, whatever you say.

SamtheHam: God Freddie, you make me so angry!

TechieFreddie: That's my job.

SamtheHam: No...That's my job.

SamtheHam: I gtg, the witch is home.

TechieFreddie: Sam listen...if you ever need me call me.

SamtheHam: Okay. Bye.

TechieFreddie: bye.

It's not that great, but hey all relationships have to start somewhere. Right? I just don't understand what he meant when he said..."Sam listen...if you ever need me call me." I wish I could take him up on that offer. I need him a lot, but I'd run up his bill. Then his mother would find me and call me a stalker that never stops calling. Maybe he thinks my mom beats me, which is only partially a lie. I don't know, I just know that I can't call him every second of the day. Even if I wish that I could. I really want to know who and what he was buying presents for. Probably amazing gifts for his mom and Carly. Then maybe he can go dig out side and find some rocks and paint them black. Maybe he would give me coal because he thinks I am worthless and rotten. Maybe I am? But who could blame me...


	5. idon't know what to think

Dear Diary,

Freddie didn't talk to me that much today. He at least smiled like four times, and talked to me three. I know, I counted. I don't know what has been up. He usually talks to me about worthless crap, but somehow we are able to make a conversation over it. It hurts me inside when he just ignores me. It is like I could be standing right in front of him, and if someone else is in the room; he will look right through me. I hate when I think Freddie is looking at me but he isn't. He is looking at something passed me. Something that brings much interest to him. I just don't get it. It pains me inside when I see him staring at someone else, when he is talking to Carly. I don't know if I should like him anymore. The chance is fairly slim. I am contemplating on whether to get him a present or not. If I did what would I say? I don't want him to find out I like him. I realized that sometimes when guys find out that girls like them, they completely ignore them. They won't talk to them for many months until they can get over it. I just don't get it. Explain to me, in big bold print. Why? Why do they do it? They know it hurts. People can say that girls are way smarter than guys, which is true on some aspects. But really guys can't catch on to a girl's thinking process, but yet, they can trick a girl so well. They can make us think that a guy like them would ever consider dating us. I don't think it is possible. I don't think it is possible for a guy like Freddie to like a girl like me.

Dear Diary,

Tomorrow is the big day. It is the big day that we have our annual Christmas exchange party. We usually throw a big sleepover to. Since it is with Freddie, I don't know what we are going to do. Spencer will probably let him stay over just because he trusts us, and Freddie has slept over before. I'm actually really nervous. I never slept over Carly's while Freddie was there. I mean like once when we were like ten, but that didn't really count. Or did it? Na, I don't think it does. Besides that was when Carly's mom and dad were still together. Mrs. Benson trusted them. I hope freddork's mom will let him sleepover. All I know about tomorrow is that I call couch. I can't remember anything besides that I like to eat and I want the couch. My feelings jumble around when I think of Freddie. I really don't know what to think.

**I kind of based this journal entry on my own personal problems, because I really like this guy but I don't know what to think at all haha. But I hope you guys like this one...:)**


	6. iuse to know you so well

Dear Journal,

I woke up this morning with a big smile on my face, and dancing butterflies in my stomach. I am so nervous. I don't know how it is going to turn out. I wish some brilliant scientist could determine what will happen in a few ours. I could loose Freddie in just one night. You don't even have a clue. The only boy I ever wanted. He could disappear in like a matter of two seconds. So for the Christmas gift exchange, I got Carly a charm bracelet and I have a matching one. Then I got Freddie some kind of technical device. I picked it up on eBay. I'm not sure what it is…but he has been wanting one for a long time. I doubt he got anything for me. I really don't think he did. Just yesterday he texts me and tells me that he hates me. Just because I pulled a prank on him. Baby. All I did was take his technical equipment and I hid it. The only thing that I can decipher me and Freddie's relationship is that he does hate me….and he will never love me. No matter how many times I apologize.

Dear Journal,

I have been thinking…it hasn't always been like this. There was a time me and Freddie were best friends. Nothing more and nothing less. He liked me for me and never wanted me to change. But we soon grew out of the innocent phase. We soon grew into teenagers. That wanted nothing to do with each other. That just fought everyday; just to get one single point across. I wish it was the same now. All you had to worry about was that boy's had cooties. All you had to do was keep your distance. But it isn't like that anymore. There isn't a boys and girls line anymore. I mean yeah there is still different bathrooms. The hallways are mixed. Gender doesn't matter anymore. Even though a lot of people wish it still did. For the longest time, Freddie was there; when no one else was. When everyone left he was the only one still standing and waiting. He never took a step out that door. Until Carly came along and changed everything. Until I wasn't the only girl on Freddie's mind. Until we got to big for the sandbox and had to move out into the dangerous world. I still partially blame Carly for taking Freddie away from me. I mean he was my true friend. My only friend. He left like all the others. Even though he pinky swore he wouldn't. I guess pinky swears don't mean anything anymore. Lets face it…he won't love me. I should just forget and move forward, but what if I'm not ready to move forward yet. What if I just need to tell him one thing before I go. I just need to tell him…that I have always loved him, and how I haven't forgotten the past.


	7. iknew it

Dear journal,

It is about a half an hour before the big gathering. I neatly put on my make-up. I usually don't put on make up but this however is a special occasion. This is when our friendship will be pushed to the limits. He will just have to take it as my thoughts pour. I'm scared. I'm nervous. I'm happy. I'm everything. If I tell him though, I don't want to walk away with one thing missing. My best friend…

Dear Journal,

I am just about to leave for Carly's….wish me luck….

Dear Journal, I will tell you everything about my night:

I walk towards the familiar building where so many memories were sparked there. Only something is different. I saw it in a different perspective. Just how I saw you in another light tonight. This is how it all started out….I'm just going to tell you in tiny sentences because it has been a LONG day for me.

I walk in the living room to find Carly and Freddie crouched around the fireplace.

Spencer was in the kitchen making spaghetti tacos.

I quickly run over to Carls and give her a hug.

Freddie opened his arms towards me.

I wanted to hug him so badly.

Instead I rejected it and gave him a high-five.

His smile dropped into a frown, but soon realized that it was me.

He can't expect much from me.

I mean, I'm Sam, right?

One thing you need to know about me is that I don't hug.

Never.

No one ever hugged me.

I won't hug anyone else.

Besides Carly.

We quickly ate dinner.

Now it was time for the presents.

Carly first handed her present to me and to Freddie.

I got a new Cuddle fish CD.

Freddie received a polo shirt.

Now it was time for my gifts.

I handed my gift to Carly.

She loved the matching bracelets.

Freddie actually liked his present.

He asked me how I knew he wanted one.

I just replied with: "I know you better, than you think."

His amazed smile quickly turned into a blushing grin.

The moment I was waiting forever….Freddie's turn.

He quickly turns and grabs just one present.

I knew exactly who it was for too.

Carly.

With that, I pulled out my phone and zoned off.

I didn't want to see or hear what he got her.

Let me guess it was most likely a t-shirt that said "I love Carly" from Freddie.

But it wasn't that at all.

He bought her a new cover for her phone.

I quickly got up and walked off to go talk to Spence.

He was probably way more interesting than this little arrangement.

Carly quickly stands and walks over to us.

She grabbed me aside and asked me what that was all about.

I quickly shrugged it off and walked over to the couch where Freddie was.

I turned my frown to a smile even though…it was going to be a long night.

We started watching this movie, it was actually really scary like no joke.

I was laying on the couch when Freddie just came over and picked up my feet and sat down.

Now normally I would of slapped him and walked away.

Maybe it was because I wanted him to sit close to me, or maybe it was because I was drained.

Maybe all my nerves in my arms gave out.

Who knows…but I never wanted Freddie to leave that spot.

By now it was a little past seven-thirty.

I quickly changed into my pj's and came back down to absolute quietness.

I wonder what had been said while I left.

I wonder if Carly and Freddie had some big intimate moment.

I wonder….

Later:

It was now 8:13.

Carly was half passed out on the couch.

It was just me and Freddie.

Sitting almost so close, we could hear our hearts beating.

They were in sync.

Or at least I thought.

I didn't really know.

8:17 finally came.

Then the time that changed our lives forever.

8:18.

The time that I kissed Freddie.

You know most people wouldn't remember the time that they kissed that person or the clothes that they wore.

That was me and Freddie's time.

Because something extraordinary happened tonight.

Freddie pulled out a small white bear with a note attached.

I quickly grabbed the bear.

The note read "Sam, Merry Christmas." "Will you go out with me?"

Our time 8:18.

I smiled at him and replied with one answer.

"Sure."

It was about 10:50 when we finally talked again.

Between the time 8:30 and 10:50.

I laid with my head on his chest.

While we watched _The Notebook._

I just needed to know.

So I asked him.

Sam: "Freddie, do I've always liked you."

Freddie: I know Sam, I have felt the same way for you too.

Sam: Do you realize what time you gave me the present.

Freddie: Yes, 8:18. The time that we first kissed.

Sam: You remembered?

Freddie: You don't think I would have forgotten my first kiss with the girl I love do you?

Sam: I guess not.

Freddie: Merry Christmas Sam!

Sam: You too, Freddie.

I guess there was hope.

I guess it was always there.

The connection, the bond, the love.

All of it.

I just never gave it much thought.

I never believed.

Maybe this is the first time I can call myself a believer.

I'm a believer!

Dear Journal,

It has been a good two weeks since I last wrote. I have new and better things to look forward to. I never thought that wishing on stars would do anything. But really, they changed my life around. They gave me hope. My dreams came true because I believed. I wanted to give up so badly. But I promised myself I wouldn't. My mom is promising to get help. Freddie and I are stronger then ever. Yes we still fight, but we laugh over it and move forward. I wake up every morning with no jumbled thoughts. I make sense in the world. Honestly, that is all I ever really wanted to do anyhow. I didn't want fame or fortune. I'm not even sure I wanted love. I just wanted to know that God put me on this earth for a reason. He has never given up on me, so why should I give up on myself? I have people to inspire me to do the things people only dream about. I never thought that wishing on stars would work. I guess it has. I got everything I wanted and more. I can call myself a believer. Because I believe that you can change anything, if you work on it. Promise me one thing. If you want to have your dreams come true. Please…never give up on yourself. A whole new world is somewhere out there waiting for you. So get on your walking shoes and walk until you find it.


End file.
